Via Pajamas Media, I found a fascinating test called "Pick Your Candidate," which tells you which candidates are most aligned with your thinking. It's a relatively simple test, which asks your opinions on various issues, then assigns (or subtracts from) each candidate, based on the following criteria:

If you agree with a candidate, he gets point(s). If you disagree, take point(s) away. Unkown/other results in no points. The number of points given or taken depends on the weight you set. "Meh" is worth 1 point, "important" 2, and "key" is worth 5. The items you disagree about will be listed directly underneath each candidate (if they score greater than zero).

Giuliani 20

McCain 19

Hunter 17

Tancredo 16

Thompson 14

Romney 13

Cox 11

Huckabee 8

Brownback 7

Paul 3

Richardson -5

Biden -9

Dodd -10

Edwards -13

Gravel -13

Clinton -14

Obama -15

Kucinich -20

I ranked the war as a key issue, though, which probably influenced the results accordingly.

This is not an exact science, as the test cannot tell you who you like. The personal stuff doesn't factor in. For example, I have always loved John McCain, but because of McCain-Feingold, I'd never have ranked as my him number two choice. (A question about McCain Feingold or the First Amendment, of course, would have caused his ranking to plummet accordingly.)

Had there been any box to check, or way to rate these candidates according to the extreme irritation I have over holding an election this early, I'm sure Fred Thompson would have been the clear winner, because he's the only candidate who seems to have enough common sense to know that ordinary people intensely dislike what's happening.

All the rest of the candidates are trying to play this dumb premature game of beat the Dominatrix, instead of letting her whip herself into a state of premature exhaustion.

How much better it would have been if she'd held a premature election and nobody came!

MORE: Regarding the domination issue, in an outburst of nostalgia, I stumbled onto what might just be the perfect campaign theme song.

WARNING: This video is only intended for people who are really into whipping themselves into a state of premature exhaustion!

From the late 70s, early 80s, the immortal Throbbing Gristle, performing their ever popular classic, "Discipline."

Hey, for the people who need it, I say enjoy!

(Seriously, the song expresses perfectly my inner feelings about Hillary's permanent election.)

UPDATE (08/19/07): Stephen Green has been performing a genuine community service, by drunken-live-blogging the Democratic debate (at 9:00 a.m.!!!) so that the rest of us don't have to. How he manages, I don't know. But after 2.5 Bloody Marys, he's charmingly, hysterically, funny:

9:50am "I'll bring strong spiritual values into the White House," promised Kucinich. You think President Hillary Clinton will give him a day pass?

....look for John Edwards to slip even further in the polls, even in Iowa. His angry voice/Farrah Fawcett smile is the most off-putting combination I've seen since a failed bartending experiment involving scotch and tonic.

Barrack Obama: Would make a nice high school history teacher. You know, the one who always wrote his test questions wrong.

Dennis Kucinich: Makes Kim Jong Il look tall. And also like a supply-sider.

Mike Gravel: Crazy enough to run, too crazy to quit.

Chris Dodd: What's with the green tie? Pair it with a like-colored shirt and he could be running for host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

The country's survival might depend on it.