Life's a bitch, because we're all assholes! (Even feminists!)

Despite all the predictable stereotypes, it turns out that Glenn Reynolds's wife -- Dr. Helen the InstaWife -- is a feminist! A total feminist! So says an online test she took after self-styled feminists declared she wasn't.

And, notwithstanding my many snide remarks and wisecracks, it turns out that at heart I'm a real, total, feminist too!

No really. Here's the proof:

You Are 95% Feminist
You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man).
You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

I've long suspected that feminism has degenerated from a belief in equality to a belief in replacing the old sexist male role model patriarchy with a new one based on big government, so I very much agree with what Dr. Helen said about "feminists":

Equality between men and women is no longer the real issue with many "feminists"--it is more about special rights for women without responsibilities (like trying to get rid of the word bitch but not prick etc.), "empowerment" without the work that comes with actually doing anything, and allowing women to do things to men that if men did to women, would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, you know, like shoot them in the back while they sleep.
I agree that the above "sounds more like a Democratic political action committee than a real sense of justice between men and women."

And would could be more lame than the crass focus on getting rid of words? The abolition of the word "bitch" is a perfect example. Men can be jerks, assholes, pricks, dicks, bastards -- and I've heard a lot of them called "bitches" too. And while it is never nice to refer to someone as their genitalia in the pejorative sense, I think the slang terms for penis are much more commonly used to insult men than is the slang term for vagina to insult women. Moreover, there's a double standard at work with the slang term for anal orifice. Men are routinely called "assholes" -- day in and day out -- but women? It rarely happens. It's only rarely that women are called "assholes" -- yet both sexes have them. This is totally unfair, and the problem will only be aggravated by getting rid of the word "bitch."

Moreover, removal of "bitch" from our vocabulary smacks of rank speciesism. What are we to call our female dogs, especially those like Coco who are still possessed of ovaries? (For the record, Coco protests against the bitch removalist movement in general, and ovary removal in particular.)

If I didn't know any better, I'd speculate that part of the problem might be that men are less offended than women over being subjected to genital-based insults, and thus, less inclined to demand government help.

I don't know whether it's related to this question, but men also seem to take more pride in their genitalia. Maybe it's hubris rather than real pride, but whatever it is, a Google search found over 14,000 occurrences of the phrase "he has balls" -- and barely 1400 instances of the phrase "she has ovaries."

What would account for this discrepancy? Sexism alone?

I believe in fairness, but not in government meddling. Women who take umbrage over being called "bitch" should simply respond in kind. Call the men bitches right back. Better yet, call them "b1tc4es with d1(ks"! That oughta take 'em down a few pegs.

As for me, I plead guilty to being both a dick and an asshole. (In light of my test results, do I get to I call myself a "feminist dick" and a "feminist asshole," or would that go too far?) I think a lot of men are assholes, and to be fair, so are a lot of women. Actually, in light of a post I saw the other day positing that we are all assholes, the world may be divided into those who admit to the truth of their assholism, and assholes in denial:

In his novel Lifehouse, Spider Robinson has a character discuss something called the "Asshole Principle." According to him, everyone is an asshole, but the biggest ones are people who believe that somewhere, there are people who are NOT assholes and want to be mistaken for one of them. If you just accept that you're an asshole, you can get through a lot.
The problem is that being an asshole is hard to take, especially in a world full of assholes. And does admitting to being an asshole justify acting like one? Or is that only permitted in the company of bigger assholes?

Asshole that I am, it nonetheless strikes me as the height of both assholism and bitchiness to only want to remove the word "bitch" and not "asshole," "bastard" or "dick" from the language.

(Yes, and by now my blog is banned on all filters for using all these evil words. I don't know whether I should bend over and take it or go back and engage in clever numerical "as$4ol3" "b1tc4" "d1(k" coverup games.)

As to the possible political ramifications behind the bitch removal campaign, I checked Google in the hope of ascertaining whether there's a double standard. There is, but not the one you might imagine. While the conventional wisdom might have Republican males calling Democratic females bitches, I found a full 78,000 occurrences of "Bush is a bitch" -- a phenomenon dwarfing many times over the number of similar applications of that word to the former first lady and leading Democratic contender. Using the word "asshole," the disparity was even more dramatic: nearly 50,000 to a minuscule five or seven.

It seems to me that real feminists who want real equality should have nothing to do with these silly word games.

As to the fake "feminists," you'd think they would realize that they're already ahead.

Isn't anyone keeping the assholes abreast?

posted by Eric on 08.08.07 at 03:34 PM


This posting ended up sounding like this speech from Team America: World Police:

See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!

Brandon   ·  August 8, 2007 3:55 PM

Ah, this would be the same kind of equality that the ACLU promotes for Islam among other religions then.

You beat me to the Team America quote a bit...

Scott   ·  August 8, 2007 10:42 PM

I once lived the 'feminist ideal' however after I reached the age 40 without children or solid loving relationship I began to question the validity of the feminist ideal; why did it take me so long to acknowledge that males and females are innately different. How can 'equal treatment' be achieved when each sex offers elements of compatability rather than equality.

Neither sex is superior to the other, we are compatible. Though there was a time when I fiercely attempted to 'be as tough as a man with balls' so to speak, I have to admit that today I have no fear in saying that men can do things that I cannot and visa verse, there are things which males cannot do which females can.

What is so wrong in acknowledging our compatibility rather than attempting to create an environment where we see ourselves one in the same. "Equal treatment" is not the same as treating another with the same respect one wishes to be treated.

I am not ashamed to be a woman while appreciating a man nor am I a victim of his existence.

I was born in 1961 the beginning of an era which indoctrinated me to believe in feminist superiority complex. Honestly, it is hard for me to listen to today's feminist orate the 'violence of men' as She is sucking out her own baby's brains.

syn   ·  August 9, 2007 11:39 AM

You also have your very special kind of dick - the dickhead. As for assholes, I believe that there are some people (mostly men) who are assholes 7/24, but that most people are assholes only some of the time and that everyone will be an asshole at some point or other in their lives. Sometimes it's just your turn.

nobody important   ·  August 9, 2007 2:14 PM

On the word b__tch: I see women driving cars with bumper stickers proudly calling themselves. b_tches. I hear the word spoken in a matter-of-fact way more now than ever. I grew up in the 70's and 80's. Even then it was not considered polite. What ever happened to the idea that both a__hole and b-tch are examples of foul language?

If I have a problem finding a relationship before 40,it is my fault, not the fault of an ideology.

I have rebuked certain women for pity-us-we-have-it-so-hard whining , simply by reminding them that men fight in the wars that protect us all from real misogynists, i.e. radical islamists.

I have also rebuked guys for grossly misogynist comments, jokes, etc. I always hear that guys are so afraid to say those things because of the wrath of those scary feminists, but it doesn't seem true. I am a woman, and they aren't afraid to say those things in front of me.

I support values that could be legimately termed feminist and I am a pro-lifer. Much feminism was pro-life in the past. There are pro-life feminists active today, too.

Radical feminist extremism has caused some reactionary types to bash even fair-minded people who support women's rights in a reasonable degree.

Kat   ·  August 10, 2007 2:19 AM

Not sure how the dominant feminist philosophy that 'all men are male chauvanist pigs' provides women with a healthy outlook towards the opposite sex.

I found a relationship before 40, even married (gasp!)however career was most important in an environment where divorce was so easy.

After some four decades of feminist philosophy demeaning the relationship between a man and a woman, the main reason why people marry today in not based on devotion, faithfulness, or having children but to have someone help them around the house.

Just to 'break the glass ceiling' it is pathetic what we women have done (including myself)to justify our superiority.

What I have learned in my old lady age is just as environmentalism has nothing to do with nature, feminism has nothing to do with women.

What feminism and environmentalism have in common is attaining the position of power. In both cases the end justifies the means, and nobody gets in the way of Ms Betty or Al Gore.

syn   ·  August 10, 2007 8:57 AM

If a feminist is pro-life how then is encouraging young women to wait until their eggs are too old to be able to concieve only to resort in desperation to buying younger healthy female's eggs a good philosophy for females to follow?

Since females are born with a limited number of eggs, are not like males whose sperm is regenerated throughout his life, how do women live with the idea of leeching off of younger female's eggs in order to get pregnant while at the same time encouraging those younger females to wait until later, after she finds herself through her career?

It seems to me a rather vulgart concept, over-fourty year old women with lots of money to blow will buy eggs off a 20 something who then uses her egg money to buy a silicone boob job.

Yeah baby you've come a long way. Gloria Steinem may have burned our bras but she left a legacy of sagging sized-DDD siliconed breasts hanging on anexoric bodies with botoxed stricken faces screaming about the plight that Eve Ensler's vagina is no longer a sweet sixteen.

Ms. Betty is Ugly.

syn   ·  August 10, 2007 9:29 AM

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