Federal crackdown leads to new improved fake penises!

To the anti-abortion lobby, Congressman Bart Stupak is a hero right now. But to those who oppose government health care, he's anything but a hero, because his anti-abortion amendment is what saved the day for the Pelosi bill. While at least one anti-abortion conservative blogger warned that Stupak (a supporter of government health care) was "engaged in political posturing," none of the Republicans appear to have listened.

Stupak also happens to be a staunch supporter of government urine testing, and was much in the news a few years ago when he launched a crusade against an evil device called the Whizzinator.

Here's a picture of Stupak, shown "bemoaning the ease with which people can buy Whizzinators with credit cards, money orders or checks, and have them delivered by U.S. mail or UPS or FedEx."

stupakwhiz.jpg

For those who might have forgotten, the Whizzinator is a prosthetic penis with an attached reservoir, all fitted inside a pouch designed to look like underwear. I've posted about it before, and I suggested numerous other uses for the device in case the feds tried to make it illegal.

  • 1. To help pee-shy men pee in public places;
  • 2. To help a variety of men and women achieve the fulfillment of their sexual fantasies, by helping them overcome sexual pee-shyness.
  • 3. To help women make a political statement by challenging the traditionalist view that they are incapable of using urinals.
  • 4. As a teaching aid for parents and teachers.
  • 5. As a way of protesting the nation's ever encroaching drug laws by deliberately making a mockery of them -- especially by drug free citizens with clean urine.
  • 6. As a constitutionally protected penis parody device. (It should be noted that political parody and mockery are protected by the First Amendment.)
  • I don't know whether it was a byproduct of of the Stupak Whizzinator hearings, but a federal program -- called "Operation True Test" -- was launched (no, I am not making this up), and the manufacturers of the Whizzinator were prosecuted:
    U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan's office filed criminal charges Tuesday against Gerald W. Wills and Robert Dennis Catalano, and their Signal Hill, Calif., company Puck Technology Inc.

    Prosecutors contend the men defrauded the government and conspired to sell drug paraphernalia by hawking products called the "Whizzinator" and "Number 1."

    The Whizzinator contains a fake penis, bladder and athletic supporter designed for men to simulate urination. The Number 1 contains a tube connected to a reservoir tucked inside a waistband and can be used by men or women.

    The defendants later pleaded guilty, and according to the Justice Department, were scheduled to be sentenced in February:
    Judge David Cercone scheduled sentencing for Wills and Catalano on February 20, 2009, at 11:00 a.m. and 11:30 a.m., respectively. The law provides for a maximum total sentence of eight (8) years in prison, a fine of $500,000, or both, for each defendant. The Judge scheduled sentencing for Puck Technology, Inc. on February 20, 2009, at 10:30 a.m. The law provides a maximum total sentence of ten years' probation and a fine of $1,000,000 for the company. Under the Federal Sentencing Guidelines, the actual sentence imposed would be based upon the seriousness of the offenses and the prior criminal history, if any, of the defendant.
    No idea what sentence they got, but eight years for selling fake penises?

    Imagine having to explain that to fellow convicts.

    Anyway, it seems that I wasn't the only one who saw the Whizzinator's remarketing possibilities. While most people think that sexualization of urine is a rather disgusting thing (I don't think it's even sex, but obviously some people do), the artificial simulation of what is called "water sports" is not only not illegal, but it's probably safer than doing the real thing.

    So they have rebadged the Whizzinator as a sex toy, and you can still buy it at places like this, where the product now features the following prominent warning:

    THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED FOR DRUG TESTS OR OTHER ILLEGAL USE. PLEASE FOLLOW ALL APPLICABLE STATE AND FEDERAL LAWS WHEN USING THIS PRODUCT.
    I will never use that product in violation of federal law.

    BTW, in case anyone was worried, I thought I should reassure readers that there's nothing gay about the Whizzinator.

    Why, there's even a girl on the package!

    New-Whizzinator-w.jpg

    Thanks to the federal government's hard work of preserving the sanctity of our precious bodily fluids, there is a now a Whizzinator workaround. But it didn't come easy. They had to resort to a loophole that has not yet been closed -- the fake penis loophole!

    How long will we allow fake penises?

    (Anyone who thinks that last sentence is a pun has a filthy mind.)

    posted by Eric on 11.09.09 at 11:17 AM





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    Comments

    Simulated anal sex and an enema combined. The device has possibilities.

    It could be called Ream and Clean™ Comes in small, medium, and LARGE.

    M. Simon   ·  November 9, 2009 03:06 PM

    I'm certain that M. will have more to say about this oh-so-totally-expected Republican response to any vote about abortion, but in my opinion it demonstrates again that social conservatives really are more concerned about Federal abortion issues than Federal fiscal sanity.
    It really is THE defining plank in their party.
    I defend to the death their right to constantly prioritize social issues over fiscal ones, but they are finished as a national political party because of it.

    Sad, that.

    dr kill   ·  November 9, 2009 03:07 PM

    How long? Anything over nine inches is not really practical. It's just showing off.

    BTW: Is "dr kill" suggesting that the Whizzinator may be used as an abortifacient? And how exactly does Whizzinator use restore fiscal sanity? The free exercise of one's right to a prosthetic penis should be the defining plank of every party.

    Rhodium Heart   ·  November 9, 2009 04:31 PM

    RH,

    Thank the Maker we have Republicans who will fight against that sort of thing.

    I have the perfect slogan:

    No More Fake Dicks. VOTE REPUBLICAN and get real ones.

    You can get more details at:

    http://www.classicalvalues.com/archives/2009/11/fiscally_conser.html

    M. Simon   ·  November 9, 2009 04:40 PM

    I had to look twice. I thought it was a Barney Frank autobiography.

    Hoss   ·  November 10, 2009 10:07 AM

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