November 22, 2007
What nice day?
Besides, farm-raised turkeys never have a nice day!
Despite the grim title, and the grimmer contents to come, let me start by wishing everyone a very happy thanksgiving!
Notwithstanding my tendency to lodge complaints about this thing or that thing, I'm not unmindful of the fact that today is a day to be grateful to be an American living in a free country with a free press that we're equally free to criticize.
And of course, there are a lot of other things to be grateful for.
But suppose I started this Thanksgiving Day post by expressing gratitude (not "graddytood") for the fact that today is such a breathtakingly beautiful day!
No, really. It feels like Spring. Never mind that local "Fully" temperatures are expected to drop into the 20s "eauver" the weekend. Saying it's a beautiful day when it Really Should Not Be (because the Global Warming Rechimplicans have ruined the climate) means you're Just. Not. Getting. It.
I should be expressing ingratitude. For the "bad" weather that I imagine to be good.
And how the hell dare I enjoy it?
Seriously, I'm beginning to hope that this does not turn out to be a "record warm" Thanksgiving, for that would mean a hellish moral scolding in the Inquirer tomorrow.
Hey, I know!
Well, only because I didn't go anywhere this year, but because I might as well have, I might as well be grateful for the fact that my bags might as well have been lost but weren't. But maybe the whole problem of lost or stolen bags could be solved if we treated them the way the gun control people want to treat lost or stolen guns, and make it a separate crime not to report them. (If we could deter just one illegally diverted unreported bag....)
I can also be thankful that because I didn't have children, I never had to save the hundreds of thousands of dollars it costs to send them to brainwashing centers where they are taught that ingratitude (should that be "ingraddytood"?) is the highest form of morality, so than when they return home to sit down for their first Thanksgiving meal with the family, they can announce their evolution to a higher plane.
What is it that they learn? Why, that "this is the time of year we place a cooked brown carcass on the table, then reach inside its body cavity and scoop out powerfully odoriferous items that people are expected to eat":
"It's repulsive to see turkeys running around on the news at Thanksgiving time, and then they're all getting killed," says Melissa Stockton-Brown, a Royersford vegan and a 19-year-old sophomore at Smith College in Northampton, Mass.Huh? What if you've raised the kids and paid their tuition, and it pains you to think that they're so deluded that they believe that their new-found food choices gives them a license not merely to skip the turkey, but become thoughtless little scolds?
Maybe as a non-parent I'm not getting it, but I think it is the kids in these instances who owe their parents an apology. The polite thing to do if someone offers you food that you don't want to eat is to simply say "no, thank you," and eat something else. Shouldn't feelings of morally superiority because of what you eat be kept to yourself? I think so, and I think it's wrong of them to lecture their parents at the Thanksgiving dinner table over their food choices (however benighted they might imagine them to be).
Maybe I should be grateful I naver had 'em. But it doesn't matter what I think; this phenomenon is growing. Because at college, more and more kids are taught to be vegetarians.
As it happens, a little more than 2 percent of the U.S. population over 18 says it never eats meat, fish or fowl and is, by definition, vegetarian, according to various polls.Let me stop right there and express "graddytood" that the purpose of education is now to make kids "see the world from a different perspective." I never knew that. Nor did I know that kids were so hopelessly lost that they had to go to college to "establish their own identities." Is making a big show of not eating Thanksgiving turkey and hurting your mom's feelings now an "identity"?
The things that hundreds of thousands of dollars can buy!
And how insensitive of me not to realize that not eating meat is like telling the world you're gay! Well, I guess I should be grateful that they didn't say it was akin to something more serious, like being a veil-wearing Muslim in George Bush's racist America.
"I decided to give vegetarianism a try around Thanksgiving of my sophomore year," says Sarah Stockton-Brown, Melissa's 21-year-old sister, a senior at St. Joseph's.Just think! Thanksgiving is now a time to "negotiate" the enjoyment of the meal!
Bring in Henry Kissinger and let's get started!
There's more, of course, including a success story about two daughters who converted their mother to veganism, and at the end of the story the Inquirer concludes with advice:
To read about preparing no-meat dishes at Thanksgiving, go to http://go.philly.com/food.Well, it could have been worse. At least it wasn't pointed out that the turkey eaters are, by eating meat, not only responsible for random acts of savage cruelty, but they are guilty of warming the planet.
For that I am also grateful.
I'm going to a friend's house to eat turkey, and if by chance some vegans are there saving the planet by conspicuous non-consumption of turkey, I'll be very grateful if I'm not scolded.
(Especially if I get really mean-spirited and let slip something like "What a nice day!")
posted by Eric on 11.22.07 at 01:35 PM
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