Classical Values :: Hungry for fantasy? (I'm fantasy starved . . .)

Hungry for fantasy? (I'm fantasy starved . . .)

"Read this book," said Justin.

"No, I won't!" said I.

But in the spirit of scientific inquiry, I will review it. After all, I have a long history of reviewing movies I haven't seen; why not review a book I haven't read? Anything related to science fiction would seem to deserve a scientifically fictional review. And fantasy begets fantasy. Morally, I feel completely justified in doing this, because not only am I not a science fiction reader or fan, but the Amazon reviewers are already accusing each other of reviewing the book before its publication date (i.e. without reading it). One such entry:

Reviewer: Sania H. "gypsiqueen" (boston, ma usa) - See all my reviews

You people haven't read the book yet, it's not yet out, and you're already rating it. Shame. Commercialism at its most crass.

If the Sci Fi/Fantasy readers can review without reading (as Justin did a few weeks ago), well, why can't I? Any attempt to shame me will fail, as experts have tried and failed for years. And no one can accuse me of commercialism, because I am not in any way promoting this book, nor have I been paid one cent by anyone. (At least I'm honest enough to admit that I haven't read it and never will!)

Anyway, the book is A Feast for Crows (A Song of Ice and Fire, Book 4) by George R. R. Martin (an author Justin has reviewed before), and the book is now for sale in most stores.

Judging from its cover (something I have every right to do as a non-judgmental, non-Sci Fi fan with a wholesome hatred of fantasy), the book appears to be a good one. It features a red cover, with a cool picture of a crow arranged with its wings spread to form a Hapsburg-style coat of arms.

Hell, I'll even share it with you:

Now, is that a nice cover or what?

Fans have been made to wait for this for a long time, and anticipation has obviously been building. Even the stodgy Wikipedia says the book has been "highly anticipated." What that indicates is that the book is a must-read for all who have been waiting. Hell, I'm even getting curious to know what the fuss is all about myself. (But don't worry; I would never succumb to temptation and read it. Well, I did glance through this chapter, which the author made available on line. But I won't allow a small detail like that to taint this interview in any way.)

In addition, there are cultish aspects to the novels of George R. R. Martin (abbreviated GRRM). There's an official game site featuring various board games, kits and tournaments, and in browsing around I discovered -- to my surprise and even shock -- that today, November 8, 2005 is the Official Day of the Feast!

With this in mind, FFG is sponsoring celebrations at retailers worldwide on the Day of the Feast, November 8th. By encouraging fans of the book to play the games and fans of the games to read the book, we will enrich and reenergize both communities.

I strongly encourage just such a thing! Nothing like wholesome community enrichment, I always say.

(The stuff you learn when you admit your ignorance!)

Heck, I could build my entire day around this book I've never read -- and so could you!

And you know what else is really cool, poetically just, and eerily parallel? Just as I'm not a science fiction reviewer and haven't read the book, author GRRM is not a blogger has written a "Not A Blog" -- a blog he's not writing! Excerpt:

I'm calling this "Not A Blog."

I mean, I don't have time to do a weblog. I don't have the energy to do a weblog. There's just no way I could do a weblog.

And there's no way I could write a science fiction review.

But I will try to be honest about this book, and if called as a witness in court, I could swear to the following under penalty of perjury:

1. Of all the science fiction books to have reached the attention of this reviewer, I can truthfully say that this one stands out as the best I've reviewed.

2. The fact that I would have reviewed the book on such an important day as this one (without knowing anything about it) shows that there are powerful forces involved beyond my comprehension.

3. There is absolutely nothing negative I can say about the book. And that is something I cannot honestly say about many of the books I've read.

While I feel I have only scratched the surface with this review, now comes the exciting part. I get to rate it, and urge you to buy it. I think if you're a fan of GRRM, buying it will be a no-brainer. But for the others, I think the sheer power of this book makes it worth buying (it certainly makes it worthy of great respect), because what other science fiction or fantasy book could possibly have caused someone like me to review it?

One last point. I note that the author is very much a turtle fan, and in childhood his pet turtles used to fuel his literary imagination:

I wrote as far back as I can remember. I used to make up stories about my pet turtles and write them up in school notebooks. Later on I wrote monster stories and sold them for a nickle to other kids in the projects where I grew up.

This is reflected in a caricature of the author:

In my view, any writer who likes turtles deserves voracious readers like the ones this GRRM has.

So snap to it!

After all, isn't today the DAY OF THE FEAST?

It's out? Yay!

And there was much rejoicing. At least, there was much rejoicing for anyone who likes these monsterously ponderous tomes with multiple complicated storylings, and I place myself firmly in that category, thank you very much.

I really really really need to get a new copy of Photoshop, so I can cash in... ah... create portraits of some of the characters...

B. Durbin · November 8, 2005 10:39 PM