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August 01, 2005
MORE SUV VIOLENCE -- when will it end?
As if we needed any more proof that SUVs are dangerous, I see that one of the evil things wreaked havoc right at my local Berkeley Starbucks! An SUV driver battered his vehicle through the doors of the Starbucks at Solano and Colusa avenues Tuesday morning, scattering a dozen or more customers who leapt out of the way and jumped through open windows as he backed up and tried it again.Fortunately, no one was killed (and fortunately this took place at a place best known for oppressing Palestinians) but this is not the first time an SUV has behaved in a deliberately evil manner. Why, it was just in April that I demonstrated that SUV's can kill people without even having to be started! Doubtless, the SUV lobby will argue that the individual driver was responsible. I say that the carnage was caused by brazen feelings clearly brought on by the presence of the SUV. "Cars don't cause accidents; people cause accidents," claims the SUV death machine lobby. Would a human being without an SUV have been able to do this? Among the vehicle parts left behind were a front bumper cover, a lower front quarter panel covered in burgundy paint and the remains of a parking light.Yet maniacs like this are allowed to just walk into any auto dealership and buy one of these apocalyptic devices of doom. What will it take to restore some sanity? SayUncle has recognized the nature of the problem as well as the need for action, and he has called for an SUV ban. The answer is clear, we must ban them. For the children. These implements of death were only designed for one thing:These machines of violence and death have absolutely no legitimate civilian purpose. But don't expect a ban to happen any time soon. The SUV lobby is too powerful, and they have Big Oil behind them. And Karl Rove. For now, I'm afraid the best we can hope for is a system of background checks, a limitation on the number of SUV purchases allowed, and a waiting period. I'm open to suggestions, of course. If we could save just one child.... UPDATE (08/04/05): A KILLER SUV STRIKES AGAIN!: Two children were injured, one seriously, when they were hit by an SUV driven by a 13-year-old acquaintance in Doylestown Township yesterday.See what I mean? Clearly SUVs are a direct threat to all children everywhere! posted by Eric on 08.01.05 at 03:54 PM
Comments
The style of your posts! This one says it all. Steven Malcolm Anderson the Lesbian-worshipping man's-man-admiring myth-based egoist · August 1, 2005 06:11 PM I say everybody gets an SUV. An SUV driving society is a polite society with a healthy vehicle maintenance and repair industry. Alan Kellogg · August 1, 2005 08:00 PM Don't forget, we could just ban SayUncle · August 1, 2005 10:11 PM "NO CHILDREN!!!!" That's an excellent idea, one I have long thought about. Steven Malcolm Anderson the Lesbian-worshipping man's-man-admiring myth-based egoist · August 2, 2005 12:44 AM My hat's off to SayUncle for fearlessly daring to raise another important -- but absolutely logical -- point. Many times I have heard about statistical correlations involving things like the percentages of gun owners who end up being killed by guns, of marijuana smokers who move on to harder drugs, etc. But there is one statistically undisputable correlation: EVERY CRIMINAL, EVERY UNDESIRABLE PERSON, STARTED OUT AS A CHILD. Show me any evil person, and I'll show you someone who started life as a child! I defy you to show me one war that wasn't started by former children! How many wars, how many crimes could be prevented? Above all, just think of the environment! Eric Scheie · August 2, 2005 11:05 AM |
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