As the Blog War rapidly degenerates into stultifying trench warfare, the mediator in me wants to give the peace® process a little nudge. Considering that neither side has expressed the slightest interest in peace®, this means that I must take the initiative with an eye towards opening some dialogue.

Because of the apparent intractability of the two sides, and their reluctance thus far to come to the bargaining table, it occurred to me that as a starting point, I could use readily available tools to determine what the two principals bring to the table, and how far apart they are. Fortunately I did not have to look far. Precise, highly scientific tests are available, and I thought the best place to begin was with a simple test which determines the battle cry of whatever name is entered. Remember, this test was created by top scientists -- forensic psychopathologists at the pinnacle of their professional careers, and is thus as close to infallible as it is possible to be. And in case any readers entertain the slightest doubts as to scientific accuracy, please remember that this is all part of the peace® process, and only a starting point for future negotiations.

First, I ran the name "Instapundit" through the genie:

Next, of course, was Frank J.:

(Original link supplied by Tim the Michigander; new use of old technology courtesy of the peace® loving Ghost of a Flea.)

OK.

Are we really that far apart? Instapundit wants to blow a bullet hole the size of God in his enemy, and Frank J. wants to unleash oven cleaner in his enemy's pants.

As to the God-sized bullet hole, we really do not know the size of God (indeed® many doubt God's existence), so the reference may be to some sort of spiritual hole -- OR a spiritual void. A cry for help, perhaps? The reference to gilded boxing gloves? Can it be a symbolic reference to the fact that Instapundit is the undisputed champion of the Blogosphere?

The unleashing of oven cleaner in the pants of the enemy is even more interesting, because it means that Frank J. does not want to kill his enemy, but he wants to destroy (or at least slow down) his means of reproduction. There may be additional issues, and it is not my goal here to psychoanalyze anyone, so let me merely summarize what Freud and other psychoanalytic experts have said about genital mutilation:

Freud and other psychoanalysts have discussed male genital mutilations as inducing a form of "castration anxiety" in the child by which the taboo against incest and parricide is pathologically strengthened (DeMeo 1986). Montagu (1946) and Bettelheim ( 1962) have discussed their connections to the male fear of vaginal blood, where menstruation is imitated (subincision), or where the male must be ritually absolved of contact with poisonous childbirth blood (infant circumcision), or hymenal blood (pubertal circumcision). Reich identified genital mutilations as but one, albeit a major one, of a series of brutal and cruel acts directed toward infants and children which possess hidden motives designed to cause a painful, permanent contraction of the child's physical and emotional self. Reich saw the real purpose of circumcision, and other assaults upon the child's sexuality, to be the reduction of the child's emotional fluidity and energy level, and their ability to experience maximal pleasurable genital excitation later in life, a major step in, as he put it, transmuting Homo sapiens into armored Homo normalis.

Religion versus sex? Is that what this war is about? Can't we all get along?

Or is there a hopeless tension between religion and sex? This hasn't always been the case, nor should it be the case in the future. That is a primary reason for this blog -- to try to decrease such tensions, by advocating a return to the days when religion and sex worked cooperatively.

The Classical Values Peace Plan®. Now more than ever!

CONFIDENTIAL NOTE: I also ran writing samples of both Instapundit and Frank. J. through the Gender Genie (link via Agenda Bender). This test is intended to determine the sex of the writer of whatever text is copied into its search engine. In the interests of science I saved the results, but in the interests of peace®, I decided to keep them strictly confidential. After all, we live in a cruel and callused world, and it just struck me that these results might be subject to lay misinterpretation, and their release (at this time) would not serve the cause of peace®.