Walls can be breached by the tiniest invaders

As I just reiterated in another post, "A man's home is his castle!"

(But, as the communitarians would counter, "No man is an island!")

With that in mind, this piece by Cathy Seipp really irritated me, and made me glad I don't have kids, because the undisciplined monsters among them scare the crap out of me for a variety of reasons. Cathy Seipp doesn't seem to like the monsters either. But ominously (in my view) she says it places her "in a minority."

....this willingness to speak severely to children at all - along with not always finding their behavior acceptable - has long put me in the minority among fellow urbanite moms.
Cathy Seipp slams "today's "parenting culture... in which parents are essentially encouraged to idolize their children, to marvel at their inherent goodness and wisdom." and has more:
....just a few weeks ago, everyone was talking (mostly approvingly) about the N.Y. Times feature on a Chicago coffee shop owner who'd posted signs warning that customers' small children were expected to use "indoor voices" and refrain from running around banging into things.

Predictably, some shocked parents are now boycotting the shop. (The money quote from one: "What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a café?" Yes, yes! If you can't control your kids, that's exactly what you're supposed to do!) Not so predictably, there was an outpouring of support for the coffee shop owner on the Times letters page a few days later, with one suggesting he be nominated for the Nobel Prize.

(Via Glenn Reynolds.)

The reason I get so ticked off about this is that in the case of children, my natural libertarian impulses collide head-on with the inherent reality of a system where your children are not your own, but are part of a vast, interlocking communitarian network of other children, teachers, day care workers, Child Protective Services, and nosy busybody parents of other children. Unless you are willing to really drop out of society, you just can't raise kids out on the prairie somewhere where they'll be truly yours, and free from unwanted outside influences. It seems that it would be hard enough to raise kids without having to "be in a minority" like Cathy Seipp. She's very brave to attempt such a thing. I don't think I could do it without major problems.

I mean, it's fine for a crank like me to condemn people who can't ignore outside influences, and slam them for being a bunch of sheep who mindlessly follow a culture of monkey-see monkey-do. And I'm quite fond of exclaiming things like "Hey, if you don't like Howard Stern, turn off the goddamn radio!"

As it happens, I do like Howard Stern. But if I didn't like him and my kid turned him on, it wouldn't be quite as simple. I'd have to throw some kind of fit, and get all agitated. And even then, it would be very, very tough to stop the kid from listening. Radios, televisions, magazines, and the Internet are universal.

And so are other children. If I don't like brats whose parents let them run around emitting high decibel shrieks, putting their slimy little paws in restaurant sugar bowls, and hassling total strangers, it's real easy for me to not patronize places that let children in, and condemn the parents of undisciplined brats.

But what if I had a kid? Eventually, it would be required by the state to go to school somewhere, and escaping other people's undisciplined brats wouldn't be so easy. Hell, reality being the way it is, they might even end up invading my house, under cover of "friendship" with my own child! That's a nightmarish situation to contemplate, as I'd then be forced to go ballistic at someone else's kids.

If I got arrested, would the ACLU take my case?

And suppose I decided that no undisciplined brats would ever enter my home. Even that wouldn't avoid possible contamination, as my child might end up visiting the home which created the problem, and on top of all that the busybody parents of the undisciplined brats might start asking all kinds of nosy questions about who I voted for in the last election and why I owned pit bulls and had over a dozen guns in the house.... and despite my attempts at avoiding other people's undisciplined children I'd still end up being visited by the Child Police.

Again, where's the ACLU?

It's given me comfort to think in terms of a wall of separation between libertarianism and communitarianism. It's a nice dividing line, and it simplifies analysis.

Am I just being paranoid, or do children -- particularly "other people's children" -- breach the wall?

MORE: It's probably fair to point out that my fear of undisciplined brats might stem from my having been attacked by children at the age of two. I don't buy into the popular myth that children are innocent.

Also (as I've discussed) the tension between libertarianism and communitarianism will always reminds me of my childless libertarian neighbors, who have been told that their views would change if they had children. (I guess libertarians with views like mine should go colonize space.)

posted by Eric on 12.10.05 at 09:01 AM





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Comments

You may be a TAD paranoid. You can distance yourself from other people's children.

On the other hand though, exposure to screaming brats does serve a useful purpose. Your children see that behavior and can then understand why that behavior is not tolerated in your house. Children are just as annoyed, perhaps more annoyed, around unruly children. They're forced to be around them.

Imagine what it is like for them to be in a situation where adults, who are the ones who have all the power, don't do anything when their kids act this way. Imagine what it is like for kids who can behave in restaurants, can be quiet in movie theatres, or can be polite and courteous always have the glaring eye and mistreatment from adults who expect them to turn into whirling dervishes at any moment. Good children suffer the downcast eye because of bad children.

It's not difficult for parents. All you have to say is to your children is "That child is a brat and isn't allowed in our house." Kids are relieved when the boundaries are clear.

In restaurants and movie theatres either complain to management and get them to throw the brat out, or take it upon yourself to tell the parents that the child is being a nuisance and you'd appreciate them taking care of it.

Grand Stand   ·  December 10, 2005 10:51 AM

Maybe you're being just a tad bit paranoid. Maybe not. Maybe it depends on where you live.

No one ever asked whether we had guns or who we voted for - I live in the South and that would have been considered just plain rude. Then again, my youngest graduated from high school in 2000. Maybe that's changed now.

Donna B.   ·  December 10, 2005 11:00 AM

I have a friend in New York who had Child Protective Services called on her for no reason she can think of except the fact that she has a small child, her husband is black, and people with racist ideas in neighboring buildings might have looked through her window and imagined God knows what. CPS told her they investigate complaints amounting to "nothing" all the time, but they have to.

I wouldn't let anyone in without a warrant signed by a judge, but that might trigger legal problems. Should it really be necessary to have a lawyer on retainer simply to raise kids?

Eric Scheie   ·  December 10, 2005 11:07 AM

We were once visited by a couple (friends of my husband, of course) who sat happily drinking wine and munching snacks while their child put himself and others in danger of life and limb. They seemed to have forgotten his existence.

I got to be the bad cop: "Won't he fall down if he goes up those stairs?" "Should he be running around like that?"

It didn't ruin their day any. My house was a different story.

miriam   ·  December 10, 2005 03:57 PM

First comment to your blog - and I happen to embrace your honesty in this post. As a parent to 4 children - each born seven years apart - I find myself reverting to the point you are at. Over the years, social graces have given way to protecting the child's self esteem at any cost. I cringe at the thought of my youngest wanting to bring his friends home. Even with years of practice and tons of experience - the Bart Simpson syndrome of today's kids reminds me how much I will enjoy retirement.

Anonymous   ·  December 11, 2005 02:49 PM


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