Well, now is the time for me to fess up and admit that I have failed as a King, as a Queen, and even at Christmas!

But because today is Friday -- Online Testing Day at Classical Values -- I will not allow my own poor scores in these tests to prevent me from sharing the results with you.

First, my, er, kingdomhood. I found this otherwise really excellent test from the Great Test Giver Himself, Ghost of a flea, and what really hurts is that he got the cool result! That's right, the Flea got to be Caligula! I'm stuck being Charles VI of France -- a madman most people have never heard of.

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

I though it was a shame the test did not display the narrative of this at least colorful loser, so I reworked the description, and made it more personal:

"After illness I became a tad unstable. When a raving lunatic ran up to my entourage spouting an incoherent prophecy of doom, I was unsettled enough to slaughter four of my best men when a page dropped a lance. My hair and nails fell out. At a royal masquerade, I and my courtiers dressed as wild men, ending in tragedy when four of them accidentally caught fire and burned to death. I was saved by the timely intervention of the Duchess of Berry's underskirts.

This brought on another bout of sickness, which surgeons countered by drilling holes in my skull. In the following months I suffered an exorcism, begged my friends to kill me, went into hyperactive fits of gaiety, ran through my rooms to the point of exhaustion, hid from imaginary assassins, claimed my name was Georges, denied that I was King and failed to recognise my family. I smashed furniture and wet myself at regular intervals. Passing briefly into erratic genius, I believed myself to be made of glass and demanded iron rods in my attire to prevent myself from breaking.

In 1405 I stopped bathing, shaving or changing my clothes. This went on until several men were hired to blacken their faces, hide, jump out and shout "boo!", upon which I resumed basic hygiene. Despite this, my wife continued sleeping with me until 1407, when she hired a young beauty, Odette de Champdivers, to take her place."

No self-respecting mad king would overlook his inner "queen" so my misguided sense of royal prerogative made me feel obliged to take this test -- "What kind of queer are you?"

It turns out that I fail as a homo, because I am too emo to be homo!

WOW! What a suprise! You're an "Emo Kid"
We have no clue if you are gay or not, you damn
emo boys look gay but sometimes you're not!
MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND SUCK DICK! You're sad and
lonely, you find yourself quoting lyrics and
writting some of your own.


What kind of queer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Via my favorite stalker, Ray.)

I guess it's consistent with the emo personality to have Christmas "issues" -- so I shouldn't have been surprised by the results of "What Christmas Carol are you?"

You are 'Christmas Time is Here, by Golly!', by Tom
Lehrer. Hmm, you really don't like Christmas,
do you? From the moment they start playing
carols in the shops in October to the
appearance of the first Easter Eggs in the
shops on New Years Eve, the rampant hypocrisy
of the Christmas spirit sets your teeth on
edge. You know just how many family fights
start over Christmas dinner, how many people
are injured in the Boxing Day sales, and how
few people actually find Christmas even
remotely merry. You liked Scrooge far better
before those ghosts got to him, and you are
only doing this quiz because you are bored at
work and anything is better than listening to
everyone else discuss their Christmas shopping.
Still, it is two days off work, which does
count for something... Enjoy the break.


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Via Stranger in a Strange Land, who probably knows more about Christmas than most of the blogosphere, and hopefully won't hold my poor score against me! Humbug!)