In an op-ed titled "Trash rap makes Imus possible -- Gangsta shock-jocks gave him the seal of approval. Why are so many blacks stone silent about degrading lyrics and their consequences?" Earl Ofari Hutchinson offers a cultural sampler of acceptable speech -- for blacks only:

Can U Control Yo Hoe" - so asks the high priest of gangster rap, Snoop Dogg, on his CD R&G: (Rhythm and Gangsta): The Masterpiece.

In "Housewife" on his CD 2001, Dr. Dre says, "Naw, 'hoe' is short for honey."

Rapper Beanie Sigel says, "Watch Your Bitches" on his 2001 album The Reason.

And 50 Cent commands: "Bitch choose with me" on his 2003 track "P.I.M.P."

Just a light sampling of how gangster rappers, some black filmmakers, and comedians routinely reduce young black women to "stuff," "bitches" and "hoes."

Statements like "I'm gonna buy a new hoe," or "I always turn on my hose first thing in the morning," could now be seen as racist and sexist by the language police. Imagine the consequences for innocent gardeners!

Hutchinson concludes his well-reasoned piece by advocating the same standard for blacks and whites:

The same standard of racial accountability must apply whether the racial and gender offender is an Imus or a 50 Cent. When it doesn't, that's a double standard, and that always translates into hypocrisy. Imus got his trash-talk pass yanked. Now let's yank it from blacks who do the same or worse.

When scientist Mandy Lin went for her annual performance review in 1997, she was anticipating a high five from her Rohm & Haas supervisor and a promotion.

That year, she had made discoveries in her monomers research lab that she believed were groundbreaking. Indeed, they would lead to nine patents for a new way of making acrylics, and she was eager to be recognized.

That's not what happened.

"If a monkey makes a catalyst work," her supervisor asked, "should the monkey get a promotion?"

Lin, who is Chinese, took the comment as a racial insult. She filed a discrimination claim, and two years later, Rohm & Haas paid her $100,000 in a settlement. She also resigned from the company.

But the battle between researcher and chemical giant was far from over.

For companies, remember: A discriminatory remark can reverberate for a long, long time.

What is this? Monkey see monkey do?

Who gets to decide simian issues? Is it OK to say that the Republican Party is full of chimps ("Rechimplicans") but not to say the Democratic Party is full of monkeys?

Or was that a discriminatory remark against Asians? Sorry, but I just don't get it. Well, at least I didn't say "SOoo SORRY!" or that might be taken as invoking the racist Charlie Chan stereotype.

And God forbid that any white employer mention "Ho Chi Minh" in the presence of Asian females, lest they be accused of racism, sexism and red baiting.

The inquiry is further complicated by the issue of what constitutes minority status.

When, for example, is a black person "not black"? While this often comes up in the context of Barack Obama, I've noticed recently that certain baseball players, although they might appear to be black, really should not be considered black:

[C.C.] Sabathia [Indians' starting pitcher, who appears to be a black Indian] called the lack of African Americans in baseball a "crisis" during spring training, adding: "I don't think people see the problem. They see players like Reyes and Delgado and assume they're black."

He was referring to New York Mets infielders Jose Reyes and Carlos Delgado.

Reyes is from the Dominican Republic. Delgado is Puerto Rican.

Sheesh.

I never thought I'd have to conduct an investigation into the racial backgrounds of baseball players, but here I go....

The guy on the left is Jose Reyes, and on the guy on the right is Carlos Delgado:

You know, at the risk of sounding like a wretched racist, I have to be honest and admit that I could have sworn that both of those men were black. Silly me. Now that I have been re-educated, I am supposed to understand that even though they look black, they're really not black, because they were apparently born in the wrong countries.

Hmmm.....

While I can understand that activists might not consider them "African-Americans" in the political sense, I'm wondering why. They are of African descent, and they live in the United States now, right? Why, then, aren't they considered African-American?

Is it the position of the word police that the Dominican Republic is not part of the Americas, and therefore not American? How about Puerto Rico? Is it not part of the territorial United States? It might not be a state, but Puerto Ricans vote in elections and pay taxes. Isn't that good enough? Or does the presence of Hispanic blood make these men something other than black? No, that can't be it, because many blacks are considered black despite non-Hispanic white blood.

There are plenty of black immigrants from Africa living here too. Are they not to be considered African-American anymore?

I can't make sense out of this, and I don't think anyone can.

Perhaps that's the whole idea?

AFTERTHOUGHT: Oh, I almost forgot about the title of this post. I wasn't trying to make light of serious things. Honest. I always try to take serious things seriously.

It's just that I've been worried about the hose in my increasingly Babylonian garden.

If I turn the hose on, no earthly power -- no matter how monstrous -- can stop me!

(Hey, whatever it takes to turn the hose on, OK?)