Latest threat we cannot protect against!

I feel compelled to speak up about two topics which are embarrassing and unpleasant for me: monkeys and underwear.

For reasons I have explained before, I try to avoid monkeys whenever possible.

And underwear? I am too much of a prude to touch the stuff -- male or female -- in my writing, anyway.

But surely that doesn't mean I can just sit and ignore it when someone else raises this topic? Jennifer (whose link to Frank J. in the story somehow got his name all wrong; I can't imagine why) nonetheless performed a valuable service by linking to this story:

Many women in SIngapore are buying their husbands special Chinese New Year briefs designed to bring them good fortune and increase their sexual potency as well as panties specially designed for the year of the monkey, which begins with the Lunar New Year on Jan. 22, a national holiday in Singapore and celebrated throughout the world by the Chinese diaspora.
Whether they involve monkeys or not, such omens and portents will never be ignored. Not here at Classical Values!

News of this growing threat will come as no surprise to the blogosphere's most outspoken leader against the monkey menace, Frank J., who recently said,

So, I know what you are all asking: what's happening in monkey news? Well, the news is... IT'S NOW THE YEAR OF THE MONKEY!!!!

AHHH!

AHHH!

AHHH!

Stupid Chinese.

I must disagree with Frank J. on the last small point. I don't think the Chinese are so stupid. What do you suppose they've been doing while we fight the War on Terror? Constant infiltration -- even to the point of subverting and perverting normal underwear!

Think about it: a week from tomorrow, we will be officially in the Year of the Monkey! Call me an alarmist if you must, but I think that in light of stories like this it may be time to wake up and smell the coffee. It may be too late! That report came, of course, from Frank J. who has tirelessly sounded the alarm -- more times than anyone could possibly count -- while most people went about their daily business, blissfully unaware of the metastasizing threat. As Frank says,

If we were really serious, we'd make eliminating monkeys part of our war on terror.
Did you know that EIGHT PERCENT of all Americans were born in the Year of the Monkey?

Watch out for people born in the following years: 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016.

(I hope that doesn't include anyone in the blogosphere, but I am getting scared!)

Oh my God! Is the government going to allow these people to fly on planes?

Isn't there at least a way to check their underwear?

It's minimally invasive -- and as the saying goes, "if we could just save one life...."

Or will the crackpots at the ACLU stop us from making even that small investment in the safety of our country?

posted by Eric on 01.14.04 at 02:27 PM





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