SPAM -- The Best Defense

SPAM -- The Best Defense is a good offense!

Is nothing sacred?

Modern penis spam -- particularly advertisements on growing large penises -- is not funny.

Really! I am now getting about ten a day -- and those are the ones which somehow slip through my increasingly impotent "spam filter." Am I the only victim of such sexual harassment?

The shrill and incessant demands that I feel guilty and enlarge my penis, make it bigger, make it longer, make it wider, make it erect with Viagra, etc. are intended to make me feel ever more guilty and ever more inferior. It adds insult to injury, because, well, the penis I have is generally underutilized. I do not need a new and improved version of what I don't sufficiently use.

I wouldn't be complaining except that the sheer number of these ads has gotten ridiculous.

Just now, I searched the trash folder to prove my point. In order to do that, I opened Netscape Tool's "Search Messages" application. Hmmmm. "Search Subfolders>Match Any of the Following." OK, what do I enter?

Body > Contains > Penis

Do you think I'm making this up? I couldn't make it up if I tried. Anyway, that brought up at least 30 of the most recent bombastic buggers of bloggery (should that be bloggers of buggery? No; those are the good guys.).

Here are the first three subject headers:

     Doctors Approved You will gain at least 3+ inches in your penis in weeks!

     Men: Ask her if size matters

     Size DOES matter! Enlarge your penis now!

     Just today, "Hung Mansfield" sent me an email telling me its "hard to get chicks      being hung like a squirrel."

     (Here's Hung's useless link)

I know how boring this is to most people, to the point where it probably as annoying to read this as it is to get these damned emails. But what if you're one of those guys who has an adequate sized penis but who doesn't even get to use it? What the hell would you do with a bigger one? It's not a bigger penis that's at issue for most of us; it's a place to put the damned thing!

I mean, suppose for a second that these ads are even true (which they're not) and that you could grow a gigantic new penis in a matter of weeks. What would that get you?

I don't think this is an issue of heterosexuality or homosexuality. Let us assume the ads are correct and that women care about penis size. That would make them like many gay men. So what? How does that get anyone laid? Unless you are only having sex in bathhouses or public restrooms, most of the time, the size of your penis is not known or discovered until it is actually time to use it. At that point, I admit, if you are microphallic (which few men are), there might be a problem. But in reality, most of the time, by the time two people decide that its time to get into activities involving sexual penetration, no one is using a ruler.

Is the problem, as modern feminists complain, that we are too much of a phallocentric culture?

I think not.

I think the problem is that the wrong phalluses are in charge.

Once again, I suggest we look to the old days for wisdom. Some of that old time religion, perhaps? Maybe….

How about,

Old Time Phallic Cults?

In ancient times, phallic cults existed (devoted to penis worship) where one could go to participate in a variety of religious rites to restore, stimulate, or enlarge the penis. The origin of Comedy has been traced to these phallic cults. (No wonder Aristotle's Comedy "disappeared" -- and no wonder religious zealots are not noted for their sense of humor!)

But let's get serious now.

Quite frankly, I wrote the above yesterday -- before I saw today's Sunday paper. I thought that complaining about spam was in a blog was an incredibly dumb idea, but then -- lo and behold! -- today's Philadelphia Inquirer had a front page article STEALING this very idea! The author even complained about "strangers" questioning his "manhood."

Once again, is nothing sacred in the American media? One week sodomy laws, the next, penis spam? Might it not be healthier to consider finding rational common ground between religion and penises once again?

It took Freud to wake Americans up to what was well-known to the ancients. Suddenly, people realized that phallic symbols were everywhere. Not a new idea; only a rediscovery of classical values. They may have even inspired early Christianity:

     The Eucharist hosts were signed with a cross, an
     ancient phallic symbol which originated in Egypt, and
     the Egyptian cross (the ankh) still shows the original
     form which included the female symbol. The holy day
     was the day of the sun, Sunday, in contrast to the
     holy day of Jews.

     (for more).

Before any of you get any mean-spirited and vicious ideas, please remember! I am not discussing Phallic Cults in order to humiliate, degrade, disrespect or even annoy anyone except the spammers! I do not believe in dissing the religion of others -- and that includes Christianity, which has been turned, tragically, into a dirty word (another subject). I am all for religious tolerance.

(But shouldn't that include tolerance for the Phallic Cults too?)

posted by Eric on 05.18.03 at 11:44 AM

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